A Liminal Space

Someone said to me recently, “The problem is I don’t trust myself.” It was one of those moments when the words seemed illuminated, as if someone had drawn a highlighter across them to capture my attention.

Trusting ourselves is a profound challenge. If we can’t trust ourselves, how can we make good decisions? How can we even recognize what a good decision looks like? This phrase resonated deeply because I recognize my own struggle with self-trust. It’s why I often find myself paralyzed in moments of ambivalence that feel more overwhelming than anything else.

Why do some people seem brimming with self-trust, never questioning whether they’re making the right choice? Of course, there are people who should pause more than they do. Some don’t get stuck making decisions because they lack clear direction entirely—they become like wrecking balls, hitting everything in sight until they find what they want. But somehow, it’s never enough. Without insight into themselves or their needs, they keep moving forward, searching for something to fill the void.

This can look like confidence because they aren’t afraid to take action, but what they’re doing isn’t truly serving them, and they’re causing destruction in the process. The real issue isn’t whether you’re making decisions—it’s whether you trust yourself enough to know what you need, or what the people in your care need.

Building Trust from the Ground Up

We need trust for so many things. We trust that the ground is solid enough to hold us because we’ve walked across it countless times without falling through. But what happens when we hit a weak spot and feel ourselves sinking? We back up and walk more carefully around that area.

What if we actually fall into a hole? It takes longer to trust that the rest of the ground around us is stable. If we’re in an old house and fall through the floor repeatedly, we might decide it’s wise to look underneath and see if there’s something solid to support us before taking another step.

We do the same thing in relationships. We trust someone as a friend until they say or do something that causes real harm. Then we reevaluate what’s happening and whether this person is safe enough to trust with anything else.

But what happens when the person you don’t trust is yourself? When you can’t trust your legs to walk in the right direction or your hands to hold what needs holding to accomplish what you need to survive? What happens when the same kinds of people and places keep appearing in your life, causing tremendous harm?

Eventually, you might assume that you’re the one who’s untrustworthy. But here’s what I’ve learned: **self-trust isn’t something you either have or don’t have—it’s something you build through small, consistent deposits of self-advocacy.**

Just like a bank account, trust accumulates through repeated deposits. Every time you honor a commitment to yourself—even a tiny one—you’re making a deposit. Every time you speak up for your needs, set a boundary, or choose what’s best for you over what’s easiest, you’re investing in your own trustworthiness.

Finding My Footing Through Self-Advocacy

That’s what I’ve been doing lately—looking for the solid ground. It took me a long time to realize that life didn’t have to just happen to me—that I didn’t need to keep moving forward hoping the ground beneath me wouldn’t collapse. I was moving in directions that seemed right but resulted in falling into holes again and again.

Only when I fell into a situation that sent me spiraling into the depths did I start looking up from the darkness to see what was actually safe to walk on. Initially, I didn’t see much that felt secure. I didn’t trust myself to know, and I didn’t really trust others to tell me either, after trusting the wrong person.

During that time, I found hope in whatever I could grasp. Many people actually did extend a hand to pull me out of the depths. Following their lead got me to a place that felt more stable. But many people came and went, and for a long time I was too afraid to move when those people left my life. It was easier to freeze, zone out, watch TV, and do only what was necessary to survive.

Sometimes that’s necessary to heal what’s broken, but eventually it starts to feel like being stuck.

**The turning point came when I realized I needed to start advocating for myself in small ways.** It began with tiny acts of self-care that felt almost rebellious after years of neglecting my needs. I started going to bed when I was tired instead of staying up to please others. I began saying “let me think about that” instead of immediately saying yes to requests. I started choosing meals I actually wanted to eat.

These weren’t grand gestures—they were deposits. Each small act of self-advocacy was proof to myself that I could be trusted to make decisions that were good for me. Each time I followed through on a commitment to myself, I was building evidence that I was reliable.

Taking Baby Steps: The Daily Practice of Self-Trust

For the past several years, I’ve been taking baby steps, testing the floor as I walk to determine if it’s safe to continue. I’ve moved in different directions toward different people. Some are still there, and over time I’ve learned they’re reliable. Their actions have shown they’re trustworthy.

Others initially seemed trustworthy but later proved to be more of a lesson than a long-term commitment. I wasn’t crushed because I learned, after following the wrong person, that no one deserves all my blind trust. Even if they call themselves family doesn’t mean they’ll always be around.

**But here’s what I discovered: the same way others earn my trust through consistent actions, I had to earn my own trust through consistent self-advocacy.** I’ve taken relationships more slowly as time has passed, but I’ve also taken my relationship with myself more seriously.

I started noticing when I was tired and actually resting instead of pushing through. I began speaking up when someone’s words hurt me instead of silently absorbing the pain. I started choosing friends who celebrated my growth rather than those who needed me to stay small to feel comfortable.

Each of these choices was a deposit in my self-trust account. Every time I honored my own needs, I was proving to myself that I was worth advocating for. Every boundary I set was evidence that I could protect myself. Every commitment I kept to myself—from taking a daily walk to ending conversations that drained me—showed me I was reliable.

I’m realizing that if someone is a true friend, it will be revealed soon enough. There was a time I felt guilty if I didn’t immediately assume another person was trustworthy—like I was doing something wrong. These days, I’m proud of myself for not trusting people too quickly. It really is okay.

**More importantly, I’m proud of myself for learning to trust myself through small, daily acts of self-care and boundary-setting.** Not trusting doesn’t mean people are bad or that you’re cold. Maybe it just means you give relationships time—including your relationship with yourself. I heard someone say it takes 200 hours to really determine if someone is meant to be in a committed relationship with us. I loved that. It communicated that relationships are like anything else—they grow as a result of seeds planted, sun, rain, and soil.

Maybe some people are there just for a season, and that’s okay if it isn’t long-term. That includes family.

Choosing Authentic Relationships

When we gravitate toward the things we value and others who share those values, we can build communities. That doesn’t mean we hate people who aren’t like us—it just means we’re different, and we can appreciate each other’s differences while finding unity in diversity.

If we aren’t true to ourselves and try to conform to who someone else wants us to be, I believe the world is missing out. It’s taken me so long to accept this. After years of trying to conform to others’ expectations, I finally decided I was quickly losing myself in trying to be what others wanted.

I love Mel Robbins’ new book “Let Them.” She beautifully communicates how important it is to be true to ourselves and live out our calling without letting fear of others’ reactions dictate our lives. It’s okay to let others be disappointed if it’s costing us our true selves to keep them happy.

Of course, that doesn’t mean we don’t make personal sacrifices or try to work things out sometimes. It just means we recognize that it’s okay to let ourselves be ourselves.

Breaking Free from Systems

In my lifetime, I’ve realized just how pushy people can be to get us to go along with the family system, church system, political system, or whatever system we’re conforming to in order to keep the peace and maintain the status quo. I realize that maybe they’re so pushy because they need me to agree for them to be okay with themselves.

But what others really need is for me to be myself and be okay with that. It speaks volumes and gives others courage. But it can be so hard when we’ve been trapped in keeping people happy with us.

Who decided that we all needed to fit a mold to fit in? It feels like it’s been happening since the beginning of time. I’m learning that the true path to life is being willing to break out of that mold.

The Path Forward: Your Daily Investment Plan

I’m learning that loving ourselves means making a million little choices that advocate for our true selves. I’m learning that if I fall down because I’m making the best decisions I know to make for myself, that’s growth. But if I’m making choices to keep everyone happy, that’s the insane cycle that will keep me falling in a ditch over and over again.

**Here’s what I want you to understand: every act of self-advocacy is a deposit in your self-trust account.** When you:
– Say no to plans that drain you
– Choose rest when you’re tired
– Speak up when someone crosses a boundary
– Leave situations that don’t serve you
– Honor your own feelings and needs
– Keep small promises to yourself

You’re not being selfish—you’re building evidence that you can be trusted to take care of yourself.

So choose wisely who you let into your life to influence your path. If it’s more about them than about you honoring yourself in your relationship with them, it might just be another destructive cycle.

It can get complicated, but really it’s not that complicated. Just be honest—honest with yourself. You will find the way one step at a time. **Start with one small act of self-advocacy today.** It’s okay to go slow, even when everyone is pushing you to figure it out quickly.

Small steps are progress. The decision to get out of bed and brush your teeth is progress. **The decision to honor your own needs is progress.** Always notice progress. If you don’t see progress, you’re going too fast.

You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t care about yourself and want to make progress. I wouldn’t be writing it.

**Remember: trust is earned—even self-trust.** Trusting yourself won’t happen until you start investing in yourself through consistent acts of self-advocacy. Each small choice to put your wellbeing first is a deposit. Each boundary you set is proof that you can protect yourself. Each promise you keep to yourself is evidence that you’re reliable.

**Your self-trust account starts with a balance of zero, but every deposit counts.** How will you invest in yourself today? What small act of self-advocacy will you choose? Your future self is counting on these deposits—and they’re counting on you to start making them now.