A Liminal Space

Content Warning: This post discusses religious trauma, cult behavior, psychological manipulation, childhood abuse, and emotional abuse within church settings. It also touches on political polarization and contains references to suicide (Jonestown). If you’re currently struggling with religious trauma or are questioning your own church environment, please prioritize your mental health and consider seeking support from a qualified professional or trusted friend before reading.

The Question That Changed Everything

A friend asked me a question that really got me thinking: “How do you know if your church is a cult?” I’d never looked at it that way before. Since I wanted to give her more than just my own take, I asked a religious trauma support group I’m in. The responses from other survivors really opened my eyes. Here’s what they said makes a church cultish:

• Enforced conformity of thought and beliefs
• “Us vs. them” mentality that fears outsiders
• Infallible leadership that cannot be questioned
• High control over personal appearance and life decisions
• Requiring faith without evidence
• Loss of community and relationships if you leave
• Social shaming and guilt to enforce compliance
• Control over entire life through excessive church activities
• Isolation from mainstream culture
• Gradual compromise of personal identity
• Financial exploitation through tithing guilt

“That Could Never Happen to Me”

As I looked through that list, every single example hit home. I never planned to join a cult – who does? As a teenager, I watched the Jim Jones movie and read the book afterward. I was absolutely stunned that nearly 1,000 people could be led so far astray that they’d drink poisoned Flavor Aid. I remember thinking, “That could never happen to me.”

For some reason as a teen, I became fascinated by cult stories and read everything I could find. Maybe it was because my mom was sending money we could have used for things we needed to Jimmy Swaggart and Oral Roberts back then. Sometimes I’d get up early to watch D. James Kennedy, who seemed more intellectual – at least he wasn’t crying and begging for donations. I wasn’t surprised when Oral Roberts was forced to close some of his ministries and didn’t die because he didn’t collect the 8 million dollars he begged his followers for or when Jimmy Swaggart got caught with prostitutes. I took pride in seeing right through them.

I even wrote a fictional story about a corrupt pastor who deceived an entire town – except for the main characters, of course. They were the smart ones who couldn’t be fooled, and that’s exactly who I wanted to be. I was so absorbed in writing that story that I completely lost track of time. I truly believed I understood what cults and cult leaders looked like.

When Bill Clinton ran for president in the early ’90s, I had just started attending church regularly. I couldn’t believe as an overzealous evangelical that anyone would vote for a man who’d had affairs. I got into heated arguments with my parents about it – I just couldn’t understand how they’d support someone with such terrible values. Looking back, this was when I first noticed how polarized everything was becoming.

Finding My “Family”

Not everyone takes being a church member as seriously as I did. As one survivor pointed out, churches exist on a spectrum of cultiness, and some members drink more Kool-Aid than others. For me, church became the family I desperately wanted to belong to, so I made sure I knew exactly what I believed.

I didn’t know who I was. Being adopted into an abusive home had left me without a clear sense of identity or belonging. I had spent my whole life feeling like an outsider, never quite fitting in anywhere. When I found the church, it felt like I had finally discovered where I belonged – people who would accept me and tell me exactly who I was supposed to be.

Taking my role seriously meant conforming my thoughts and beliefs, which led me to take that stand against Clinton – his values went against the church’s values.

Learning to “Adjust My Expectations”

After a few years in the evangelical world, I learned I needed to adjust my expectations of outsiders. They didn’t “know Jesus” like I did, so I had to be careful not to let them influence me too much. I needed to listen to my pastor and other church leaders – all men, of course. When something didn’t make sense, that’s where faith came in. When I started remembering childhood abuse, I told myself God’s ways were higher than mine and that he would bring “good” out of it.

I stayed close to my church community because they felt safe. I showed up most Sundays and Wednesdays for two decades. I had convinced myself I had it all figured out – I was on the highway to heaven, and God would bless us as long as we were committed to the church.

Understanding the Manipulation

I never used to think of my evangelical church as a cult. Until the past few years, I believed that being abused in that environment had just given me a skewed view of religion. While I still don’t think all churches are cults, I’ve realized far more of them are than I ever imagined.

Another religious trauma survivor recommended I look into Dr. Steven Hassan’s work. Hassan, who was once part of the Moonie cult, explains the techniques cults use to claim their victims. In a recent podcast, he talked about brainwashing methods that use Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) to manipulate people effectively. Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a psychological approach that examines the relationships between how we think (neuro), how we communicate (linguistic), and our patterns of behavior and emotion (programming).

Developed in the 1970s, NLP was originally intended to help people change unwanted behaviors and thought patterns by understanding how language and communication affect the mind.(Claude Sonnet 4)

As I listened to him describe these techniques, I realized how being part of the church had made me incredibly vulnerable to manipulation by a predator within that same community.

To better understand what I experienced, I asked Claude AI to explain how NLP techniques are used by manipulative groups.

NLP techniques can unfortunately be misused by manipulative groups, including cults, as tools of psychological influence and control. Here’s how this typically works:

Language patterns for influence:

• Using embedded commands and presuppositions to bypass critical thinking
• Reframing techniques that shift how members view reality or their situation
• Anchoring positive emotions to the group or leader through specific language patterns
• Creating linguistic binds that make questioning seem unreasonable or dangerous

Information control:

• Loaded language and thought-stopping clichés that shut down critical analysis
• Creating an “us vs. them” vocabulary that reinforces group identity
• Using euphemisms to disguise harmful practices
• Establishing specialized jargon that creates insider/outsider distinctions

Emotional manipulation:

• Language patterns designed to induce guilt, fear, or shame
• Using confusion techniques to make members more susceptible to suggestion
• Pacing and leading conversations to guide members toward predetermined conclusions
• Creating artificial urgency through language to pressure quick decisions

Important context: NLP itself is a legitimate field with many positive applications in therapy, education, and communication. The concerning aspect is when these techniques are used unethically to exploit vulnerabilities and maintain control over people.

Claude goes on to explain: Understanding these patterns can help people recognize when they might be targets of manipulation, whether from cults, abusive relationships, or other exploitative situations. Critical thinking, maintaining outside perspectives, and being aware of high-pressure tactics are important protective factors.

The Mirror Effect

The AI explanation hit me hard – it was like looking in a mirror. Recognizing when we’re being manipulated is so crucial. Going through each bullet point, I could see how I’d been manipulated in ways I hadn’t even realized before.

One of the biggest red flags was how the pastor anchored positive emotions to certain trigger words he would repeat – words that reinforced the trauma bond between us. His subtle wordplay convinced me over and over that if I just trusted him for validation, I’d find the healing I desperately wanted. Every time I felt overwhelmed, his way of reframing things gave me just enough reassurance to keep going.

It worked – until he retired. Without him there to convince me of “the truth,” everything started falling apart.

If This Sounds Familiar

If any of this has hit home with you, the most important thing you can do is step back and give yourself time and space to investigate what might be happening. I’ll never forget how confused I felt – months of constant confusion and feeling overwhelmed, wondering what was wrong with me. When I finally started seeing my pastor for who he really was, it felt like I was losing my mind. I realize now it was because so much of my identity was wrapped up in who he told me I was.

I think those of us who grew up with childhood trauma, without our core developmental needs being met, easily grab hold of someone who claims to have easy answers for why we’re suffering. I see this happening everywhere in the US today. The polarization is worse than I ever imagined it could become. Religion seems to be the dividing line for so many people. These days, who we voted for has somehow crossed into whether we’re following God’s will or not. I see arguments on social media calling people with different opinions demonic and evil. There’s little room for balance anymore.

In many ways, what’s happening today feels like what happened to me in church – but on steroids. What really caught my attention recently was when someone actually said I had “Derangement Syndrome” because I disagreed with choices our current president was making. It’s a real jungle out there these days.

We’re being bombarded with so much information that I think it’s more important than ever to take a break and dig deep into ourselves to know who we truly are. I found out the hard way that no one else needs to tell you who you are. It’s more than your religious belief system, more than the culture you’re part of. It’s your essence – what makes you you, not what makes everyone happy with you.

I don’t know where we got so lost, but I know I don’t want to stay lost. So I’m working hard to understand what’s happening. It’s so important to slow down and observe, to understand brainwashing techniques, and to learn how to think for ourselves.

The Political Parallel

What’s happening in politics today feels eerily familiar to my church experience. The same “us vs. them” mentality that divided believers from non-believers now divides political parties, with each side convinced they alone hold the truth.

Just like in church, questioning the leader or the group’s beliefs brings swift consequences – social shaming, being cut off from community, or being labeled as deceived or even demonic. The demand for absolute loyalty, the reframing of obvious contradictions, and the way people’s entire identities become wrapped up in their political affiliation all mirror the cult-like dynamics I experienced.

Most disturbing is how both environments convince people that thinking for themselves is dangerous, that outside sources of information can’t be trusted, and that any doubt or criticism comes from evil influences. Whether it’s a pastor or a political figure, the playbook is the same: create fear of the other side, demand unwavering faith over facts, and convince followers that their salvation – whether spiritual or political – depends on complete submission to the group’s authority.

Finding Your Way Back to You

The truth is, I’m still figuring it all out. If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in these words, know that you’re not crazy and you’re not alone. Trust that voice inside you that’s questioning things – it’s trying to protect you. It takes courage to look honestly at our lives and ask hard questions, but it’s the only way to find our way back to ourselves. You deserve to think your own thoughts, make your own choices, and be valued for who you truly are – not who someone else needs you to be.

Questions to Ask Yourself: Am I in a Cult-Like Environment?

About Leadership:

• Does your leader claim to have special divine insight that can’t be questioned?
• What happens when you disagree with or question your pastor/leader?
• Are you expected to get approval from leadership for major life decisions?
• Does your leader use guilt or shame to control behavior?

About Community and Relationships:

• Would you lose most or all of your friendships if you left this group?
• Are you discouraged from maintaining close relationships with people outside the group?
• Do you feel you have to hide parts of yourself to be accepted?
• Are you expected to cut ties with family members who don’t support the group?

About Beliefs and Information:

• Are you discouraged from reading certain books, websites, or news sources?
• Is questioning doctrine seen as a lack of faith or spiritual weakness?
• Do you feel guilty for having doubts or asking questions?
• Are outside perspectives automatically dismissed as “worldly” or “demonic”?

About Your Identity and Autonomy:

• Has your personality changed significantly since joining?
• Do you struggle to make decisions without consulting your leader?
• Have you given up dreams, goals, or interests because they didn’t align with the group?
• Do you feel like you don’t know who you are outside of this community?

About Financial and Time Control:

• Are you pressured to give more money than you can afford?
• Is your entire social calendar dominated by group activities?
• Do you feel guilty for spending time on non-group activities?
• Are you expected to work for the organization for little or no pay?

Red Flag Questions:

• Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around leadership?
• Are you afraid of what would happen if you tried to leave?
• Do you find yourself defending the group even when you have private doubts?
• Has your world become smaller since joining this community?

Trust your gut: If several of these questions make you uncomfortable or you recognize these patterns, it may be time to step back and evaluate your situation with trusted people outside the group.

Recommended Resources:

What is High Control Religion? – Megan Von Fricken, LCSW

When Religion Hurts You – Dr. Laura Anderson

Understanding Religious Cult Programming + How to Recover– Megan Von Fricken, LCSW

How Christianity hijacks your Personality – Tim Mills

Freedom of Mind – Dr. Steven Hassan

BITE Model of Authoritarian Control – Dr. Steven Hassan